In search of a Muse

I am constantly trying to think of things to write about now, and my life hasn't had a whole lot of variety for the last week or so since Chase has been gone. It has been all kids all the time, and once they're in bed my brain shuts off... I was sitting last night trying to not loose my mind, trying to remind myself that Chi is acting the way she is because she doesn't understand why Daddy is still gone and misses him desperately, and Moya's only 6 months old and she will spit her baby food veggies at me if she doesn't want to eat them. Then suddenly a line from the Desiderata popped into my head (mind you this is after both girls have gone to bed). The specific line goes:

"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence."

How appropriate right? It's the first part that I have trouble with. I don't think any mom with small children can forget "what peace there may be in silence." I then realized how big of a role the Desiderata has played in my life. It has been hanging in front of the toilet at my mom's for as long as I can remember, at least since I have been able to read. I have read it countless times and have large portions of it memorized. As a Christian woman it speaks to me on a higher level than just wise words, it helps me to remember to strive each day to live a Godly life. Sure it's a pain, and I mess up frequently, but it's the striving that matters.

So I have decided to use the Desiderata as my muse. I  will take a portion of it each day and talk about what impact that section has had on my life, and what it means to me. I am going to include it in its entirety today for those of you who haven't read it, so you can get an idea of what I am talking about.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

The only constant is change

When I mentioned yesterday my life has changed a lot lately I said it wasn't because of the girls, but when I stopped to think about it they sure have changed a lot lately. Chi is almost 2, and acting like it. Moya, who is now 6 months, has one tooth that's poke through and more are on the way, she's basically crawling, AND has decided that drinking out of a sippee cup is the best way to go. I don't know when they got so big...





Chi minutes after birth

Chi right after we moved to California

Chi on her first birthday

Chi right before Moya was born

Chi today

Moya minutes after birth

Moya at Christmas

Moya at 4 months

Moya today

It's shocking to look at it that way. They have both grown beyond measure. It saddens me when I stop and think about how quickly they're growing. I know when they're teenagers I am going to look at these photos and miss the sleepless nights, the babbling, even the diapers.
If looking at these pictures reminded me of anything it's not take any time with my beautiful children for granted.

Recalculating...

My life has changed quite a lot lately, and not because I have a 6 month old who is starting to try to crawl and getting teeth or because Chimera is almost 2 and has started to act like she's almost 2, it's because I have started recalculating and refocusing my life.
I have recently renewed my relationship with God (this won't be a preachy blog, don't worry), and I am happier than I have been in a long time. Not perfect, and insecurity still gets the best of me sometimes (just ask my husband), but happier. I have recently started going to a group called PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) on base and it is probably the best thing I have done for myself in a long time. Being around a group of women that are in a very similar situation as me helps me to realize I'm not alone, spiritually and mentally, in all the day to day struggles of being a military wife.
These women are actually the reason I am starting this blog. I did a devotional today at our weekly "bible study" (in quotes because we are currently doing "The Me Project" by Kathi Lipp) and the feedback made me stop and remember how much I do enjoy writing. So this blog may end up having devotionals sprinkled throughout it, they will be written as God puts topics on my heart. Today's devotional went thus:
I have recently been feeling God tugging on my heart and mind. It started about a month or so ago, I'd been feeling really down on myself. I felt like I wasn't good enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't patient enough with my girls, blah blah blah the list went on and on. I didn't know what to do or how to change it. Basically I was miserable, and being miserable made me more sensitive, which in turned lead to my husband and I fighting more, it was a viscous cycle. I kept trying to talk myself out of it, kept telling myself that I was being ridiculous, but nothing worked. Then i found out my husband had weekend duty Easter weekend. I was upset, and i took it out on him. Even though i knew it wasn't his fault, even though i knew there wasn't a whole lot he could do about it. I needed an attitude adjustment.
But Being Easter, what do you do? You go to church. It had been a year since I had gone to church and something was really telling me to go, so i put the girls in their Easter dresses, packed them into the car and went. It was then i realized what i needed wasn't an attitude adjustment, it was a total refocus. God, providing as he always does, led me to the part of the bulletin that talked about PWOC and the fact that they were starting a new study called the Me Project. That was exactly what i needed. I fought with myself about going. I was shy and didn't know anyone,I was uncomfortable and didn't feel like leaving my comfort zone. But I kept feeling God pushing me to go, telling me that even if I didn't WANT to go, I needed to.
 Starting the me project was a little difficult, mainly because i didn't know which goal to focus on, so i chose a goal i was already working on. But instead of letting me take the easy road he pushed me back in the right direction and lead me to Proverbs 16:1 "we can make our own plans, but the Lord gives us the right answer"This has been my defining passage for the last couple weeks. It came back up about a week later.
 My husband and i were looking to buy a house and we had found one that we loved, that was perfect size for our family, and that was the perfect price. Only to find out when we got back to the office that it's a short sale... we put in the offer, but as with any short sale the Lord only knows when or if the bank will make any decision. So we continued to look. I drove out to take a look at a house we had seen online, and since the short sale one was on the way i did a drive by. After driving by i started to talk to god, I even started with "I know thy will be done and everything, but..." I tried to make a case as to why He should make the short sale happen for us,tried to convince him why that house was the one.But when i got to the house i we'd seen online i had one of those "seriously God!?" moments. This house had everything we had been looking for.
 After that i went and walked around Ellis lake and just listened. It was there i realized that for the longest time i hadn't been talking with God like i thought, i had been talking at him. Never taking the time to stop and listen to what he was trying to tell me, or where he was trying to lead me. That was what he was trying to show me when i was flipping through my bible and happened to stop on proverbs 16. "You can take as long as you want doing what you think you need to do, but until you stop and listen to me you're simply going to be spinning your wheels." As it turns out her had a house picked out for us.One that was truly perfect. Once I turned everything over to him,everything lined up and we were in contract within 2 days.
 It just goes to show that he was right, as he always is, and but I needed to stop and truly listen. So i have started to force myself to stop and take the time each day to listen to what he's telling me and do it, whether it be volunteering to bring food, or  doing this devotional (which is not something i would normally do if i wasn't trying to follow all i feel he is leading me to do). I have refocused my life on him.
Dear lord, please help us learn to talk with you, not at you. Help to remember to listen, and know that whatever plans we have made for ourselves you are the one that gives us all the right answers. And please bless us, that they may know your love and guidance. In your name, amen.